How IFS Therapy Heals Shame and Self-Sabotage
Shame rarely announces itself. It hides in throat tightness on a video call, a calendar full of rescheduled plans, the way a compliment bounces off and lands nowhere. By the time people walk into my office, shame has usually recruited a team of internal protectors to keep it out of sight. Those protectors mean well, yet they create the very patterns clients want to stop. Self-sabotage is rarely sabotage at all. It is strategy, often drafted in childhood, that is still running the show.
Internal Family Systems, or IFS therapy, offers a respectful way to sit with those strategies. Instead of forcing change, we get curious. Instead of arguing with the part that overeats, procrastinates, picks fights, or shuts down, we invite it to tell its story. When that happens, the system reorganizes. Shame softens, and behavior follows. That is the short version. The long version involves learning a new language for your inner life, feeling your way into the body, and sometimes using focused formats like intensives or EMDR intensives to move through the stuck places without losing momentum.
What shame actually feels like in the room
I have yet to meet a client who changed because I told them they should. People change when they feel understood, especially the parts of them that are most avoided. Shame complicates that. It makes eye contact hard. It fragments memory. It collapses posture. In the first 10 minutes of a session, I look for signs: clipped answers, apologizing for taking up time, joking to steer away from tenderness, a sudden need to make me comfortable. Shame prefers we not look directly at it. It will gladly wear a mask of competence or cynicism.
When shame shows up somatically, it often maps to heat in the face, a dull weight in the chest, a shrinking in the shoulders. Some clients feel a band around the ribs. Some feel nothing, which is also information. Numbing is a legitimate strategy the nervous system uses when overwhelm has been frequent. If you cannot track sensation, we start there. We build capacity, inch by inch, to stay present without getting swept away.
A quick primer on IFS therapy
IFS therapy treats the psyche as an internal family of parts, each with a role, history, and burden. There are protectors that manage daily life or jump in when danger looms, and there are exiles that carry raw pain and shame from earlier experiences. Underneath all of it is Self, the steady core with qualities like calm, clarity, compassion, and courage. The job of therapy is not to get rid of parts, it is to help them trust Self enough to step back, so the system can heal.
Clients sometimes worry that parts work will turn them into a committee. My experience is the opposite. When parts are acknowledged, the inner din quiets. Thoughts organize. The nervous system settles. Choices get simpler. This is even more striking for clients wrestling with anxiety or burnout. Anxiety often reflects protector parts stuck on high alert. Burnout can reflect managerial parts that have run out of fuel but refuse to stop. Both ease when Self is leading.
How self-sabotage makes perfect sense to your protectors
Most self-sabotage is a protector trying to keep you safe in a way that used to work. An example: a high performer lands a promotion, then misses deadlines, avoids key meetings, and gets edged out. Inside, there is a teenage part that learned success invites envy and attack. That part pairs with another that believes belonging is only possible if you are small. Together they pull the brake. Objectively, it looks like sabotage. From the inside, it is a loyalty to old survival rules.
IFS invites those rules into the open. We ask the part when it first took on that job. In my office, answers range from age five to 17. We ask what it is afraid would happen if it did not do its job. We ask what it needs from you and from me in this moment. Protectors usually do not need much. They want acknowledgment, pacing, and proof that the exile can be cared for without harm.
Here are protector strategies I often see when shame is nearby:
- Procrastination that keeps work from being evaluated, paired with a harsh inner critic that says you are lazy
- Overachieving that eliminates rest, with a quiet fear that pausing will reveal worthlessness
- Irritability or nitpicking that pushes closeness away before the other shoe can drop
- Numbing with food, alcohol, or screens to dull body sensations that carry memories
- Humor or caretaking that keeps attention on others, never on your own needs
If one of those rings true, notice how your body reacts while you read it. The reaction is often the doorway in.
A session snapshot
A composite client, let me call her Maya, came for anxiety and burnout. She was sleeping five hours, living on caffeine, and white-knuckling through the day. She canceled social plans and then berated herself for being flaky. Shame was thick. We began with consent and pacing. I asked whether she would be willing to be curious about the part that canceled plans. We checked for fears about being judged. We asked other parts to give a little space so we could hear from the canceling part.
The canceling part sat around her heart. It felt tight, buzzing. When I asked how Maya felt toward it, she said, Annoyed. That told us another part, the critic, was blended. We turned to the critic first. It said Maya’s reputation would collapse if she kept flaking. With some acknowledgment, it agreed to watch from the side. When Maya returned her attention to the canceling part, annoyance turned to warmth. That shift is a sign of Self coming forward.
The canceling part remembered middle school, when showing up meant being mocked. It learned that withdrawing early saved face. We checked whether it would allow us to visit the exile it protected. With permission, we met a younger Maya sitting alone at a lunch table. From here, I guided Maya to offer what the younger one needed to hear and feel, in imaginal time, not forced, not scripted. Tears came. The protector watched, surprised, then relieved. After that session, canceling did not vanish, but the tension eased. Over weeks, the pattern changed because the load bearing it had been lightened.
Why the body must be involved
Talk alone does not dislodge shame. It helps to name, it rarely heals. Shame is sticky because it is encoded in sensation and posture. That is where somatic experiencing enters the work. We track signals like heat, cold, tingling, pressure, movement impulses. We move at the speed of trust. If the chest tightens when you remember the fifth-grade presentation where you froze, we pendulate, touching in for a few seconds, then returning to a resource. A resource may be as simple as feeling the weight of the chair, the warmth of the mug in your hand, or a memory of someone who believes you.
Clients sometimes worry that focusing on the body will escalate anxiety. That happens only when we go too fast or skip permission. When we titrate, the nervous system learns it can tolerate a bit more activation without flooding. Over a handful of sessions, people report more breath in the back ribs, less bracing in the jaw, a sense that their spine is available again. Those are not small changes. They allow protectors to relax, which gives IFS more access to the exile holding shame.
The critical voice: not an enemy, a guard
The inner critic is usually the first voice we meet. It is loud, persistent, and often clever. It also believes that shame will kill you, socially if not physically. In families where criticism came first, the inner critic tried to beat others to the punch. It aimed to make you perfect or invisible. We do not try to silence it. We recruit it.
I will often ask the critic for its top three fears if it stops criticizing for a minute. Fears sound like, You will get lazy, You will embarrass us, No one will respect you. Then I ask what else it could do if it did not have to police you. Most critics have no idea, because they have never been offered retirement. When they learn that other protectors can take on gentler roles, and that Self can actually lead, they become advisors instead of drill sergeants. That shift alone changes choices at 10 pm, at 7 am, and in the moment before you send the risky email.
When anxiety is the smoke and shame is the fire
People come in naming anxiety. They describe racing thoughts, stomach knots, dread on Sunday nights. Anxiety is real, and it is often a signal from protectors that something buried is stirring. When we follow the signal with care, we reach exiles holding shame about not being enough, being too much, or being somehow wrong. The exile may carry a single event, like a harsh teacher humiliating you in fifth grade, https://www.allichristiecounseling.com/somatic-experiencing or a thousand small moments of feeling dismissed.
This is where EMDR intensives can help. EMDR, when paired with IFS sensibilities, lets us target those memories and the body sensations attached to them. In an intensive format, we have a full or half day to prepare, process, and rest inside the same container. That extra time means we do not have to slam the brakes when a difficult memory surfaces at minute 48 of a normal session. We can complete the arc, debrief fully, and leave you resourced. For clients with chronic anxiety linked to two or three crisp memory networks, I have seen more movement in two days than in two months of weekly work. That is not a guarantee, it reflects how much momentum uninterrupted processing can build.
Burnout, perfectionism, and the high-cost manager
Burnout looks like apathy, but the parts running it are anything but apathetic. They are managers who have been working overtime for years. They push you to stay late, clean the kitchen, take on another project, keep family plates spinning, read one more paper, hit a new PR. Their logic is airtight: if you do more, no one can say you failed. Meanwhile, the exile carrying shame about early failures stays hidden.
When I work with burnout, I do three things in parallel. First, we help the managers listen to the body’s limit signals and experiment with setting a 5 percent lower bar. That tiny drop often produces outsized relief. Second, we meet the exile carrying shame about not being allowed to rest or be ordinary. Third, we build in boring, mechanical changes like changing notification settings, separating work devices from personal ones, and protecting sleep. Parts work changes the inside, but if your calendar and inbox are booby-trapped, you will relapse.
Why intensives can be a wise shortcut
Weekly therapy is the backbone of deep work. At the same time, certain patterns benefit from dedicated, uninterrupted attention. Intensives, including EMDR intensives, compress months of material into days. They are not rushed. They are slower in the moment, and faster across the arc. The pacing lets protectors see that you are not going to poke an exile then send it back into the dark.
Here is when an intensive format tends to be a good match:
- You circle the same memory or pattern again and again, and 50 minute sessions keep cutting it short
- Your schedule is erratic, so consistent weekly work is unrealistic for the next few months
- You have a deadline, like a trial, a performance, or a transition, and need focused relief
- You have a clear target memory network that spikes anxiety or shame in predictable ways
- You have done prior therapy and want to go deeper on one knot without diluting attention
An intensive usually includes a thorough intake, nervous system assessment, goal setting, and practical planning. A typical day might run three to five hours with breaks. I build in time for integration practices, a debrief call in the following week, and a written plan so your daily life supports the gains.
What actually changes when shame heals
Clients often hope behavior will shift immediately. Sometimes it does. More often, the first changes are subtle and bodily. People report they look up more while walking, not at the pavement. They answer messages within a day instead of letting them fester. They pause before saying yes. They hear the critic without obeying it. Lapses still happen, but the recovery time shrinks from weeks to hours. That shrinking is how I track progress more than any single win.
Relationships change too. Apologies come faster, not out of collapse but out of contact with the truth. Boundaries firm up. Someone whose reflex was to volunteer for every holiday duty tries sitting down first. A manager who used to rewrite every team memo starts coaching instead. These are not personality transplants. They are the natural outcome of Self leading, not shame.
A realistic pace, and why faster is not always better
Intensives are not a badge of honor. Some systems need to go slowly. If you have a complex trauma history, unstable housing, active substance dependence, or no current social support, we start with stabilization. I want your daily life to be able to hold what therapy stirs. Sometimes that means months of resourcing and skills before we touch big memories. It also means looped collaboration with your prescriber if you use medication for anxiety or sleep. Slowing down can feel frustrating at first. The trade-off is safety that holds.
I have also seen people race into catharsis and then crash. The nervous system tires. Protectors panic, and we lose trust. A slow, consent-based approach prevents that. I tell clients that feeling 15 to 30 percent different in the first month is a solid trajectory. Chasing 100 percent creates pressure that mimics the old system.
Bringing the work home
Therapy is three or four hours a week at most. The rest is your life. Clients who make steady gains usually adopt two or three micro-practices that teach parts the world has changed.
A starter set I often recommend includes a daily two minute check-in with one part, not as homework to finish, but as contact to maintain. The check-in might be as simple as placing a hand on the area of the body that held activation that day, saying internally, I see you, I am here. Second, a brief somatic reset between tasks: stand, feel your feet, look around the room with your neck turning, exhale longer than you inhale three times. Third, structured boundaries around inputs, like a rule that after 8 pm you do not open work apps, or that news gets 10 minutes once daily. These are not moral edicts. They are ways to convince protectors they do not need to stand guard all night.
How I weave modalities without losing the thread
No single method owns healing. IFS therapy gives a respectful map of the inner world. Somatic experiencing gives a dial for activation. EMDR provides momentum for discrete memory networks. On certain days, cognitive strategies help too, especially for planning and decision making. The art is knowing when to use which.
If a client arrives flooded, I start with nervous system work so they can orient to the room. If a protector is shouting, IFS helps us befriend it and unblend. If a crisp, specific memory keeps intruding and the system has enough stability, we may switch to EMDR, keeping IFS consent at the center, so parts are not overrun. When shame is diffuse and lifelong, we use more relational and somatic pacing. When shame is knotted around a handful of humiliations, EMDR intensives can cut the tethers swiftly. The trade-offs are always discussed in plain language. Clients choose, with my guidance, not the other way around.
A brief note on measurement and expectations
I ask clients to track changes they can count. Not to run their healing like a project plan, but to honor progress their critic will ignore. Examples include how many emails sit unopened after 5 pm, how often you cancel plans, average hours of sleep, how quickly you return to baseline after a trigger, and the number of days each week that include something that is not instrumental. Over four to eight weeks, we look for directional improvement. A move from four canceled plans a month to one or two is meaningful. Panic intensity dropping from an eight to a five matters. Expect plateaus. Expect a flare-up when something good happens. Upward spirals include steps that look sideways.
When to refer or adapt
IFS therapy is powerful, and it is not a panacea. If a client presents with active suicidality, severe dissociation without anchors, uncontrolled substance use, or acute psychosis, I bring in a team. That may mean a higher level of care, medication support, or structured programs before parts work begins in earnest. For neurodivergent clients, we may adapt pacing, language, and sensory input. For clients with medical conditions that mimic anxiety, like hyperthyroidism or POTS, we coordinate with physicians so we are not chasing the wrong thing. Good therapy means good differential thinking.
What it feels like when Self is leading
People sometimes ask how they will know if Self is in the driver’s seat. They expect a revelation. More often, it feels ordinary. You are unhurried inside even if your day is full. You hear the critic and the worrier, and you thank them, then choose. Curiosity shows up where contempt used to live. You can hold two truths: that you care about doing well, and that a stumble does not define you. You feel warmth toward the parts that used to scare you. That warmth is the antidote to shame’s isolation. It is not a performance. It is a homecoming.
Final thoughts from the chair across from you
I have sat with hundreds of people grappling with shame, anxiety, and burnout. The stories differ, the body signals rhyme. The part of you that looks like a saboteur is probably a guardian that never got to retire. When we work with respect, pace the body, and let Self lead, those guardians soften. Sometimes the best way to honor their service is a focused burst of attention, like an intensive where we can finally complete a loop. Other times, they need a long season of steady contact. Either way, the change is not a trick. It is the system learning that safety is possible now, and that you do not have to earn belonging with exhaustion.
If you are reading this and recognizing yourself, start small. Name one protector strategy at work this week. Ask that part what it is afraid would happen if it did not do its job. Notice where you feel it in your body. Offer it two minutes of attention without trying to fix it. That is IFS therapy, already underway. The rest we can build, step by step, at a pace that keeps the door open.
Address: 9362 Teddy Ln, Suite 202, Lone Tree, CO 80124
Phone: (402) 765-8761
Website: https://www.allichristiecounseling.com/
Email: [email protected]
Hours:
Sunday: Closed
Monday: 8:00 AM - 6:00 PM
Tuesday: 8:00 AM - 6:00 PM
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Alli Christie Counseling provides mental health services centered on therapy intensives for high-achieving women in Colorado, with an office in Lone Tree.
The site highlights EMDR intensives, IFS therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and focused support for concerns such as anxiety, burnout, panic, trauma, and self-doubt.
The practice is led by Alli Christie Disney, LPC, and the Colorado location page says the office works with women from across the state, including Denver, Boulder, Colorado Springs, and Fort Collins.
For local visitors in Lone Tree, the office is listed at 9362 Teddy Ln, Suite 202, Lone Tree, CO 80124.
The practice appears best suited for women ages 16 and up who want a structured, longer-format therapy option rather than standard weekly sessions alone.
The official Colorado page also says online sessions may be available for people who prefer virtual work or want follow-up support after an in-person intensive.
To ask about fit or scheduling, call (402) 765-8761 or visit https://www.allichristiecounseling.com/.
For map directions and public listing context, see https://www.google.com/maps/place/Alli+Christie+Counseling/@39.5524957,-104.8803997,17z/data=!4m6!3m5!1s0x876c859f7a8fa043:0x7712f13d361a1824!8m2!3d39.5516997!4d-104.8794188!16s%2Fg%2F11h2cf2bsx.
Popular Questions About Alli Christie Counseling
What services does Alli Christie Counseling offer?
The official site lists therapy intensives, EMDR intensives, IFS therapy, Somatic Experiencing, anxiety support, and burnout-focused therapy content.Who is the practice designed to serve?
The Colorado location page says the practice specializes in working with high-achieving women ages 16 and up, including entrepreneurs, executives, and women in demanding fields.Where is the Lone Tree office located?
The contact page lists the office at 9362 Teddy Ln, Suite 202, Lone Tree, CO 80124.Does Alli Christie Counseling only offer intensives?
The homepage says the practice primarily offers intensive healing experiences, while also keeping limited availability for some ongoing sessions in a more traditional format.Does the practice offer online sessions?
Yes. The Colorado location page says online sessions are available for people who prefer virtual work or want remote follow-up support after an in-person intensive.What issues are mentioned on the Colorado page?
The site names trauma, developmental trauma, childhood trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, imposter syndrome, burnout, self-doubt, and phobias among the concerns addressed through intensives.What therapy approaches are mentioned on the site?
The practice highlights EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic Experiencing (SE) as the main modalities used in its intensive work.How can I contact Alli Christie Counseling?
Call tel:+14027658761, visit https://www.allichristiecounseling.com/, and follow https://www.facebook.com/allichristiecounseling/ and https://www.instagram.com/allichristiecounseling/.Landmarks Near Lone Tree, CO
Park Meadows — Park Meadows is one of Lone Tree’s best-known destinations and is described by its official site as Colorado’s biggest shopping mall. If you are near Park Meadows, Alli Christie Counseling’s Lone Tree office is a useful local reference point for planning therapy visits.Lone Tree Arts Center — The Lone Tree Arts Center is a major local arts and culture venue and a recognizable anchor in the city. If you spend time near the arts center, the Lone Tree office gives you a simple nearby point of reference for counseling and intensive therapy services.
I-25 and Lincoln Avenue — The Sky Ridge at Lone Tree Station mobility hub project identifies the I-25 and Lincoln Avenue interchange as a major transit and access point in Lone Tree. If that corridor is part of your regular route, the office location is easy to place within the same local area.
Lone Tree City Center — The city describes Lone Tree City Center as east of I-25 between Lincoln Avenue and RidgeGate Parkway, with a walkable mixed-use focus and light rail access. If you are near City Center or RidgeGate, the office is part of the same broader Lone Tree service geography.
High Note Park and Happy Canyon Trail — The city’s High Note Park page highlights the Happy Canyon Trail connection running under RidgeGate Parkway and linking toward Lincoln Avenue. If you live or work near the RidgeGate trail network, the Lone Tree office is a practical local counseling reference.
Bluffs Regional Park and Trail — Lone Tree’s resident guide identifies Bluffs Regional Park and Trail as a major local trail area with a loop trail and trail connectors. If you use the bluffs or nearby trailheads as your local frame of reference, Alli Christie Counseling remains a clear Lone Tree destination to work from.